Starting the Conversation
Talking with a friend about domestic violence can be daunting. Here are a few tips to get the conversation started.
In previous posts, we’ve worked to document the unfortunate prevalence of domestic violence in America, and in Oklahoma specifically. The need is great, as Intimate partner violence affects more than 12 million people every single year. Organizations like The Spring make the most difference through cooperation with the individual allies in our communities.
These supporters often ask us what to do they if they suspect someone they know has become a victim of domestic violence. What can you say? How can you start the conversation?
Offering trauma informed care can take many forms, but the important thing to remember is just start. Intimate partner violence can be isolating, and many abusers intentionally use this isolation to keep their victims under their control. Letting a survivor know that you care about them and are willing to help can make a huge impact on their journey to getting aid.
That being said, there are a few best practices to know when talking to a survivor of abuse. Here are some things to consider when you’re planning for a difficult conversation.
Understand the impact.
Domestic violence can affect every single part of a survivor’s life – physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually, financially, and relationally. Recognizing the holistic needs of every survivor can inform your conversation and ensure you’re taking the proper level of care.
Don’t use labels.
There’s a lot of common lingo in the sphere of service providers that can feel overwhelming or stigmatizing. Rather than itemizing the situation with words like “survivor,” “abuser,” or even “domestic violence,” seek to meet them where they’re at with the language they use.
Offer aid, but give them control over decision making.
It’s important to let survivors know about the resources available to them – shelters, hotlines to call, counseling support, and many other services. But ultimately, the decision to seek help belongs to them alone. Never try to force someone into a decision they aren’t entirely comfortable with, and never apply pressure.
Don’t blame the victim.
Many survivors of abuse carry a stigma with them – society can often reinforce the misperception that victims are responsible for their abuse. Ensure them that nothing they’ve experienced is their fault. Abuse is the responsibility of the abuser, full stop. Acknowledge your own biases, and consider them before you start talking.
Believe them, and take their story seriously.
Many abuse victims hesitate to seek help because they worry that no one will believe them – sometimes, abusers even use this reasoning to keep control of their victims. Assure the survivor that you believe what they’re telling you, and that you take it seriously. If you’re concerned about their safety, share that with them in a gentle way.
If you know someone dealing with domestic violence, help is available. The Spring is one of many organizations offering services to those who’ve experienced domestic and sexual violence, human trafficking, and stalking. If you need help immediately, please dial 911 or call our 24/7 hotline at 918-245-4075.